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Holiday
Gift Guide 2006
You really wanted to give your loved ones
peace on earth and goodwill towards men this year
but, wouldn’t you know it, Neiman Marcus went
and featured a trip into space for six — at
a cost of only $1.7 million — in their Christmas
catalog instead. Not to worry. I'm here to help you
keep from giving everyone yet another Old Spice Gift
set. Just sit back, chug some eggnog, and after you're
finished getting sick, lets get started.
A
Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide
It’s time once again to settle in front of
a roaring fire, munch on roasted chestnuts, and dump
the eggnog down the drain so you can chug the rum
straight. That’s right, it’s time to
make out your holiday gift list. And since you don't
want to worry about it, I will. Here are this year's
late-breaking holiday gift suggestions. Go ahead,
put the "X" back in Xmas.
Christmas
Gift Guide 2004
If you’re anything like me, and for
your sake I hope the resemblance is purely superficial,
you haven’t made out your Christmas list yet.
Okay, you haven’t even thought about it. But
there’s no need to panic, I’m here to
make your life easy. Whether you want a fish stick
with an image of Jesus on it, an exploding cell phone
(a real laff riot!), or synthetic urine, you've come
to the right place.
Mad
Dog's Budget Holiday Gift Guide
In spite of what Someone keeps telling us,
the economy is tight this year. This means we need
to buy gifts on a budget. But don't despair, you
can still afford a glowing fish, a well-endowed fossil,
a highly sexed worm, or a 10-cent metal sculpture
of a president.
Thank
God Christmas Only Comes Once a Year
The past year has been amazingly busy here in the
Dog household. The body cast will be coming off soon,
Brian apologized for misspelling "Mom" on
my new tattoo, and the I.R.S. dropped the tax evasion
charges when they came to the house and agreed that
I couldn't possibly have made any money last year.
But look on the bright side, at least I can still
send out this Christmas newsletter!
It's
Not The Gift That Counts, It's...Okay, It's The
Gift
Just in case Santa's elves are too busy auditioning
for Under The Rainbow-2 to help with your
Christmas shopping, here are a few gift suggestions.
Well, providing you have people on your list who
would like a bondage Barbie, a crying baby translator,
an ad on a police car, or a roll of wart-removing
duct tape. And after all, who doesn't?
I'm
Beginning to Shop a Lot Like Christmas
Christmas is going to be different
this year. Not just because the outside of every
house will be decorated in red, white, and blue bulbs.
Or that you'll
have to explain to the kids that Santa’s beard
is white because he’s old, not because it’s
covered in anthrax. No, this year will be different
because when you splurge on gifts you won’t
have to feel guilty. In fact you’ll feel downright
good knowing that you’re not only bringing
a smile to people’s faces, but ’ll also
helping the economy and doing your part to win the
war on terrorism. Now if you only knew what to buy....
'Tis
Better to Give, Especially If You're Giving These
There comes a time during the holiday season
when we have to look past the glittery tinsel, the
sparkling lights, and the 1,456,975th bad rendition
of “The Little Drummer Boy” and remind
ourselves what Christmas is all about: gifts. That's
why I’ve put together a few gift suggestions,
each one perfect for the person who wishes they had
everything.
I'm
Dreaming of a White Rice Christmas
Christmas in Bali 2000
It’s a couple of days before Christmas
and there’s little question it’s going
to be a non-event. What do you expect on a Hindu
island in a Muslim country? Of course we can always
hope that Santa will drop off some hot Balinese woman
who doesn’t want an instant family or a green
card, but the truth is I’d have a better chance
of running into Richard Simmons, Jr. sarong shopping
on Jalan Raya.
Holiday
Gift Suggestions for the New Millennium™
If you’re like me and haven’t even
thought about making a list, better yet gotten around
to checking it twice, here are a few gift suggestions
which may help ensure that you and your family don’t
end up on the Fox Network’s Christmas special, "America’s
Best Holiday Massacres Caught on Tape."
All
I Want for Christmas
Everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit,
and it’s about time, don’t you think? After
all, the displays have been in the stores since Labor
Day, you woke up this morning with the realization
that Christmas also spells "trims cash",
and everyone including that guy behind the counter
at the 7-11 is wishing you a happy holiday. Right.
Like you’re actually going to leave him a tip
for ringing up that Breakfast Big Bite and the large
Peanut Butter and Jelly Slurpee. I mean, it’s
not as if he sold you a Furby or anything.
Christmas
in the '90s
What we really need is a good updating of the classics.
Something traditional, yet something we can relate
to in this digital age. That's why, in the spirit
of Christmas giving, I hereby give and bequeath these
90's movie concepts to Hollywood, the world, and
especially to you, the loyal reader sitting in your
La-Z-Boy recliner with remote in hand and popcorn
ball in your mouth.
Holiday
Gift Ideas
While you were busy decking the halls, nogging your
egg, and trimming the tree (then cleaning up the
branches you trimmed off), I was scouring the four
corners of the earth looking for gift ideas, not
an easy task when you realize that the world is round
and, if I remember my geometry half as well as I
wish I did, that means it can only have one corner.
The left one. What I’m getting at is that even
though I missed three corners of the earth I’ve
managed to uncover gifts that, should you choose
to give them, will make you the belle of the Christmas
ball. |
